This post describes 23 ways you could be scaring men away in dating without even realizing it. If you are a single woman interested in dating with a view towards a healthy and Godly marriage, check below to see if there is anything you are doing that may be scaring men away.
1. Subconsciously you don’t really want to date
(Most) men can pick up on the subtle messages your subconscious is communicating if you really do not want to date. You may be frightened and you have your walls up. Many of us pre-occupy ourselves with our jobs, our cat(s), our dog(s), our friend(s) or other activities that leave no margin or welcome space to invite a good dating partner in.
2. There are enmeshment issues with your family of origin
If you are still emotionally, financially and/or socially dependent on your family of origin, this could be scaring men away. As an example, I have a friend in her mid-twenties who lives away from home but goes everywhere with her mom and dad. Even more disturbing, she takes on a baby voice around her mom, and her mom starts grooming her like she is 3 years old! They even dress alike when they go out! I can assure you this is not something most healthy men want to experience.
3. You are emotionally unhealthy
There is nothing shameful about having emotional or mental health challenges. However, if you are depressed, riddled with anxiety, or have any signs that you are currently emotionally unhealthy-most healthy men will not be attracted. Deal with any of these challenges proactively if you want to date.
4. Control issues
If you do not give the other person space to make their own choices, then you will be perceived as controlling. That also means giving them space to think differently than you and to feel their own emotions (e.g. not telling them how to feel).
5. Excess neediness is scaring men away
Do you get into an obsessive mind loop in early dating if you have not heard from him for a few hours? If you have not heard from him within 24 hours do you start texting and calling him? Have you made him the centre of your world and are you spending every waking moment with him? For an emotionally healthy man, this screams danger and he will go away. Sadly, men who like to control others may find this type of woman attractive.
6. Babies yesterday, please
For women, the biological clock is a real thing. There is an expiry date on our ovaries. So, when 30 rolls around and there is no suitable Prince Charming in sight, it is natural that most women may feel a twinge of desperation. However, men smell desperation from miles away and a healthy man will run from someone pressuring them for babies too soon.
7. Marry me, NOW
As Christian singles, it is normal to date with a view towards whether the relationship will be viable for marriage. However, discussing marriage on the first date will make most normal men bolt for the door before the waiter comes to serve you! While it is expected that questions about intentions and preferences related to marriage will come in the natural course of dating, bringing it up on the first 3 dates is a no-no.
8. Playing games
So, back in the day, there was a dating book all the single girls were reading called “The Rules”. It was basically a playbook on how to play games in dating! Ironically, male authors then came up with a version for men. For emotionally healthy men, it is better to communicate clearly and honestly with them, not to lie and make up stories based on a game. While I agree with a general principle in the book you should have a life and some good healthy boundaries, the general premise of playing games I do not agree with.
9. Empty life
If you have no friends, hobbies, interests, and/or goals, a healthy man will find that a very bad sign. Girls like that tend to be clingy and make the man (and/or children) the absolute center of their world. No human is designed to be the center of your world; that place is reserved for God. Trying to make anyone or anything the center of your life outside of God puts so much pressure on that person that the relationship will eventually collapse.
10. Seeking perfection
No one will be perfect. If they are, just hang on for the other shoe to drop when the infatuation wears off! In general, you need to figure out what your non-negotiables are and your “nice-to-haves” in a potential date. Your non-negotiables should be related to your core values and the list should not be 100 pages long! For a Christian, evidence of a growing and committed faith is very important. I would also put on the list that the person has evidence of being interpersonally safe (there are some psychological indicators that will tell you if someone is safe and good for you in relationships or not). Check out this book Safe People by Drs. Cloud and Townsend to find out more.
11. Hiding your true self
If you want to attract a fake person who is incapable of true relationship (e.g. narcissist), this is a fast ticket to get into a bad relationship. When you love and accept yourself the way you are, you attract someone who will love and accept you for you. Normal healthy men are repelled by fake women.
Are you constantly watching how he talks to other women and assuming the worst? (If there is evidence he is a cheater-go ahead and drop him.) Do you want him all to yourself and sulk when he goes out with the boys to a game or visits his mom? These things scare men away too.
Many moons ago, I went off on a guy I was dating. I was in another part of the mall when I saw him hug a girl he was talking to. It turns out it was his sister (I met her). Needless to say, that ended things.
13. No vulnerability
So, I was guilty of this for many years. I became financially responsible for my family when I was still in high school. I was hyper-responsible and learned to become insanely independent. The thought of needing anything from anyone was terrifying to me. Most people who met me identified something they called “an edge”. I had my guard up and was tough as nails. People around me often heard me say I did not need a man.
Men want to feel needed. Inter-dependence is a healthy way to do relationships and a healthy man that senses you do not want that will run away.
14. Taking offense when he tries to be chivalrous
Do you get angry when he tries to open the door for you or cover the bill? Men who were raised to respect women do these things. You will scare away men raised this way if you get angry at these things.
15. Anger at men
Maybe you have been hurt badly by men in your life. If you are still hurt and angry it will seep out in your language. You may badmouth men in general. Again, a healthy man will not stick around for this.
16. Ex still in the picture
I am guilty of doing rebound dating. I talked about my ex-boyfriend non-stop on all dates with the rebound guy. If you are still thinking and talking about your ex non-stop, a self-respecting man will move away fast. We all know why the rebound guy is named as such.
17. Your life is a hot mess
There are co-dependent rescuer type men who may be attracted to this, but healthy men (and I am assuming you want an emotionally healthy man) will run from someone who is in constant crisis. By this I mean, you have one crisis after another. You may have financial, legal, health, family, addiction or other problems that make you a risky prospect for dating.
18. Oversharing or not sharing much
TMI on the first date will scare a normal man away. Likewise giving very little to no information will make him wonder what you are hiding.
19. High maintenance
Do you take several hours to get ready in the morning? Does your hair cost you upwards of $500.00 a month? Are you made up like a drag queen everywhere you go? Will you melt if you get caught in the rain? Most healthy men are not looking for women that are extremely high maintenance.
20. Selfish and unkind
Are you rude to people you do not think “matter”? Do all the decisions have to go your way? A Godly Christian man will run from this.
21. Overly flirtatious
Are you looking for attention from men everywhere you go? Most men who are with you on a date will not enjoy seeing you seeking attention from other men.
Do you say yes to everything to avoid making other people mad because you have poor boundaries? While some men may enjoy taking advantage of this, a healthy man will not find this attractive.
23. Sexual impurity
If you are interested in marrying a Godly Christian man but you are pushing for sex outside of marriage, a Godly man will run from you.
Want More Tips on Christian Dating?
This post summarizes 23 ways that you may be scaring men away in Christian dating, without even knowing it. The key take-away message is to attract an emotionally and spiritually healthy man, we need to be emotionally and spiritually healthy ourselves.
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Do any of these resonate for you? Are there some I missed? Let me know below in the comments, please!
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